While turning 27 doesn't exactly make me a sage, I've been ruminating recently on the fact that soon I'll be 30 and expected to be an adult, and I'd like to be a good one when I get there. Below are some of the lessons I've realized I would like to continue learning:
1. Marriage is good for you.
Before I got married, countless people told me, "You never know how selfish you are until you get married ... it's like living with a walking mirror all day long." Somehow, I still was not quite prepared for the depravity that is myself. Perhaps most shocking to me is that it's not just how selfish I am that's surprising, it's the ways in which I am selfish. I can be selfish over the most asinine things. And it's not just that realizing the extent of my selfishness is saddening, it's also incredibly (and painfully) humbling.
That very fact alone makes me increasingly grateful for my husband. Not only does he have grace for my faults, he also seems to have ever-growing love for and enjoyment in me. I am thus in the paradoxical position of realizing I am both less deserving of his love and yet still ever more loved. This is also humbling.
I've also found (in the mere six months I've been married), that marriage is more and more fun the further you take it. I'm sure part of this is getting to know your spouse better, becoming more congruent, anticipating the other's thoughts and desires, etc. But I think part of it, too, is the sheer companionship of it. Mark and I didn't know each other for very long before we were married, so neither one of us would say we "married my best friend" (and I've never been too keen on the un-sexiness of that phrase, anyway). Yet, Mark and I are already better friends than I had imagined a husband and wife could be. I used to dread becoming bored in marriage ... and of quickly becoming boring, unexciting, and a worn-out old shoe myself. Not a possibility. Every new situation we face is far more exciting simply because we're facing it together, and every day seems to bring with it a chance to get to know the ever-evolving person who is my husband a little better.
Marriage is hands-down the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I highly recommend it to those who enjoy a challenge (and being adored).
2. You can be lord of your own attitude.
A better title for this little lesson would be, "Your mother is always right," but some mothers are probably not as perpetually right as mine was. Most probably are, however.
I've always been a tremendous fan of authenticity in persons (particularly those I chose or had to be around with any degree of regularity). Sometime around the beginning of high school, I realized this trait was the singlemost important characteristic in people I sought friendship with. I also realized it was a trait I desired to cultivate in myself and, for good or ill, I have.
But being "authentic" is not always the best way to be, if that authenticity translates into certain sundry moods and visages as it does for me. I think being "real" can perhaps too easily be an excuse (if only an internal excuse) to be withdrawn, sullen, shy ... or even lazy, selfish, and rude.
My mother is a woman whose enthusiasm for both life and people rivals Niagara Falls. She never ceased to insist that all 6 of her children greet strangers warmly, speak to adults respectfully, serve the family and anyone else with cheerful spirits, and take every opportunity to engage others in meaningful conversation. I remember being irked as a child that she expected me to "put on a face" for the sole purpose of appearing perfect. It took me some years to realize, however, that she wasn't insisting I have a veneer of perfection. She was insisting I make an effort to make someone else feel valued ... a worthwhile effort, indeed.
Choosing to be cheerful, and to ensure my responses are warm and gracious, has recently become still more important to me since being married. When there are only two of you, your own attitude is half the equation when it comes to the spirit and tenor of your home. I've learned quickly (and am still learning) the value of the extra effort it takes to choose to have a good attitude when I don't feel like it.
3. The importance of being involved.
I am past the point of being surprised by much, but one thing that never fails to surprise me is how richly I am rewarded when I choose to invest myself rather than to "conserve" myself. Growing up with parents who counseled many other parents, and, resultantly, in a family that was considered a model of sorts for other families, I grew up zealous for "family time." I have many, many memories of my sister and I playing with kids much younger than we were because their parents wanted to come over to meet with ours. I never felt deprived of family time, nor my parents' attention, but I certainly never felt a need to look for ministry opportunities. I never had to think about which outlets I was best suited for, or had a heart for. "Ministry" seemed to come to us. While I enjoyed the fact we were so involved, time with just the 8 of us was something I treasured.
Since I've been apart from the Tarr family nucleus, I've certainly found ways to get involved in my community--through Young Life in college, legal societies and law review at law school, various sorts of church ministries that I delved into to varying degrees, and even pursuing friendships with new friends--but even when it's been my choice to become involved, I have sometimes resented that choice. I think sometimes I've resented even my initial commitment to a cause, because I am loathe to quit something I've committed to. Sometimes, I'm sure it's my childhood conditioning that kicks in, and I find myself gravitating toward wanting to dismiss an obligation, wanting to stay home, wanting to say "no, thanks" because I would really just like some family time ... whether that's been with my sister or now with my husband. But I think that, more than I would like to admit, that desire to retract from outside obligations is really just selfishness. It's really just me wanting to stay comfortable, to be the sole director of my free time.
While there's something to be said for setting boundaries and guarding time with the people you need to invest in the most, I've recently been challenged to realize the great depth of blessing that rewards me (as it does anyone, I'm sure) when I choose to get involved. Whether it's joining in a ministry that is new and slightly intimidating to me--like my husband's ministry to the developmentally handicapped through our church--or simply taking the time to go on a walk with a friend I haven't seen in years or to grab coffee with a new friend, I never regret spending a little time investing myself. I always leave more encouraged, more sharpened, more joyful than when I came.
Though I'm not a big believer in resolutions, I would like to remember my own words this year. I would like to, very purposefully and freely, involve myself.
Note: By reaching the end of this post, you have hereby earned the right to hold me accountable to any and all of the above.
